Nameless One, 4/18
Jun. 28th, 2011 03:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofknavesTitle: Nameless One
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tripatch
Rating: R
Pairing: Hannibal/Face
Summary: Kinkmeme prompt, Face secretly takes meds for bipolar disorder. But for whatever reason, Face is no longer on his meds. Then the manic behavior starts, from getting into a mess of fights to needing to have tons of sex with strangers. Then when the emotional roller coaster stuff starts, Face begins cutting himself during the darkest times. His teammates notice, and try to help but Face is stubborn and refuses help, heavily in denial.
Additional Notes: Title taken from James Clarence Mangan's poem, "Nameless One".
Prison poses a problem, Face finds.
There’s only the one psychiatrist, Dr. Rutlidge, and she smiles sympathetically and writes down notes and he knows that there’s no way to get her to write him multiple prescriptions without telling her the truth, which is unacceptable. Hannibal said he would get them pardons, that last night, and he’s never lied to Face before. Wouldn’t start now.
So he picks the one that seems to help the most, the one that doesn’t make him feel sluggish. Therapy is all good and fine, but there isn’t a prisoner in the world who doesn’t feel depressed at some point, so she writes him a prescription for Welbutrin and taking just those two pills a day opens a whole new window for him; he has spent so long being scared of the ups that he forgot how they work, how he feels magnetic, drawing people to him because who doesn’t want to be around a beautiful person, glowing golden in the gray gristle fences around them? The guards gravitate toward him, he makes promises that he knows he can keep, he can charm the paint off the walls if he asks nicely (and he always does, sweet smile and baby blues batting until they’re peeling themselves off and taking him up on every honeyed word).
It’s almost a shame when Hannibal takes that away from him—he takes a swing at the man, for destroying this charismatic, confident charming illusion he had built to protect himself. Hannibal blocks the punch, holding him down, and for a second it feels less like a hold and more like an embrace—
Then it ends.
But the coaster is still clack-clack-clacking uphill, that pit of adrenaline in his stomach building up up Up UP UP so that he’s flying in a tank, God, only Hannibal’s plans, and feels like laughing out loud so he does, screaming and hanging outside and feeling like he’s in free-fall the entire time, which he is, so no one blinks an eye when he doesn’t hit the water with the rest of them. He’s still somewhere up in the atmosphere, laughing and cursing and taking swings at the clouds like they're the ones who let him down, who destroyed his life, who took everything away from him.
B.A. shakes with rage and Hannibal looks broken for the first time with disappointment, because how could anyone have planned for this?, and Murdock wavers with indecision. And Face--he shakes inside, and shouts at Hannibal, and he's back in free-fall but this time the ground is rushing up to him with maddening slowness.
So he throws himself into making a plan, making it work, his mind grasping at everything all at once and turning it into something workable. All the variables, all the ways it can go wrong, everything melds together and he's holding it together with an outrageous smile and a quick dance of patter Come on, fellas, which one is it under now? Is she under the left or the right or the middle the hand is quicker than the eye and that freight train running through him tells him that the mind, the mind is always quicker than anything; he knows it for a fact.
If the ground is rushing up, he won't feel it until after this is over, he promises himself. Then he'll let himself hit and be splattered into a million pieces all over the ground like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Just hang on a minute longer, Face, baby, it'll all be over soon.
Author:
tripatchRating: R
Pairing: Hannibal/Face
Summary: Kinkmeme prompt, Face secretly takes meds for bipolar disorder. But for whatever reason, Face is no longer on his meds. Then the manic behavior starts, from getting into a mess of fights to needing to have tons of sex with strangers. Then when the emotional roller coaster stuff starts, Face begins cutting himself during the darkest times. His teammates notice, and try to help but Face is stubborn and refuses help, heavily in denial.
Additional Notes: Title taken from James Clarence Mangan's poem, "Nameless One".
Prison poses a problem, Face finds.
There’s only the one psychiatrist, Dr. Rutlidge, and she smiles sympathetically and writes down notes and he knows that there’s no way to get her to write him multiple prescriptions without telling her the truth, which is unacceptable. Hannibal said he would get them pardons, that last night, and he’s never lied to Face before. Wouldn’t start now.
So he picks the one that seems to help the most, the one that doesn’t make him feel sluggish. Therapy is all good and fine, but there isn’t a prisoner in the world who doesn’t feel depressed at some point, so she writes him a prescription for Welbutrin and taking just those two pills a day opens a whole new window for him; he has spent so long being scared of the ups that he forgot how they work, how he feels magnetic, drawing people to him because who doesn’t want to be around a beautiful person, glowing golden in the gray gristle fences around them? The guards gravitate toward him, he makes promises that he knows he can keep, he can charm the paint off the walls if he asks nicely (and he always does, sweet smile and baby blues batting until they’re peeling themselves off and taking him up on every honeyed word).
It’s almost a shame when Hannibal takes that away from him—he takes a swing at the man, for destroying this charismatic, confident charming illusion he had built to protect himself. Hannibal blocks the punch, holding him down, and for a second it feels less like a hold and more like an embrace—
Then it ends.
But the coaster is still clack-clack-clacking uphill, that pit of adrenaline in his stomach building up up Up UP UP so that he’s flying in a tank, God, only Hannibal’s plans, and feels like laughing out loud so he does, screaming and hanging outside and feeling like he’s in free-fall the entire time, which he is, so no one blinks an eye when he doesn’t hit the water with the rest of them. He’s still somewhere up in the atmosphere, laughing and cursing and taking swings at the clouds like they're the ones who let him down, who destroyed his life, who took everything away from him.
B.A. shakes with rage and Hannibal looks broken for the first time with disappointment, because how could anyone have planned for this?, and Murdock wavers with indecision. And Face--he shakes inside, and shouts at Hannibal, and he's back in free-fall but this time the ground is rushing up to him with maddening slowness.
So he throws himself into making a plan, making it work, his mind grasping at everything all at once and turning it into something workable. All the variables, all the ways it can go wrong, everything melds together and he's holding it together with an outrageous smile and a quick dance of patter Come on, fellas, which one is it under now? Is she under the left or the right or the middle the hand is quicker than the eye and that freight train running through him tells him that the mind, the mind is always quicker than anything; he knows it for a fact.
If the ground is rushing up, he won't feel it until after this is over, he promises himself. Then he'll let himself hit and be splattered into a million pieces all over the ground like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Just hang on a minute longer, Face, baby, it'll all be over soon.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-06-30 08:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-03 10:49 am (UTC)(And whoops, yes, my updating tends to be sporadic, but I have a good chunk of the rest done already, so once I get past this pesky middle part, it should be going up pretty regular!)